Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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