Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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