Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
