And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
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I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize