she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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