this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
