My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
