Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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