a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
