he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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