Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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