U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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