does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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