just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
