I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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