i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
