I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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