now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
