god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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