Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
