Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
