Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
