Texts From Last Night

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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.

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  (575): This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai. http://tfl.nu/0dst
  Replies (3) Good night (715) Bad night (3115)
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.

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  (931): she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by. http://tfl.nu/75ga
  Replies (14) Good night (5132) Bad night (1026)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.

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  (412): I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8. http://tfl.nu/h2aq
  Replies (17) Good night (8314) Bad night (929)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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  (224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen
  Replies (12) Good night (7054) Bad night (1017)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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  (701): she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends. http://tfl.nu/prst
  Replies (13) Good night (984) Bad night (4121)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

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  (804): i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks http://tfl.nu/m5sm
  Replies (24) Good night (798) Bad night (7418)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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  (727): there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning. http://tfl.nu/6rsw
  Replies (17) Good night (3891) Bad night (1856)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch

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  (206): before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch http://tfl.nu/cp10
  Replies (14) Good night (2060) Bad night (724)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
  Replies (28) Good night (3827) Bad night (1231)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

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  (502): I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high. http://tfl.nu/gsqh
  Replies (8) Good night (1911) Bad night (640)
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  (979): View more from Texas

  He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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  (979): He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic http://tfl.nu/8ocy
  Replies (10) Good night (2450) Bad night (985)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly

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  (724): These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly http://tfl.nu/feuo
  Replies (5) Good night (831) Bad night (484)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?

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  (603): Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener? http://tfl.nu/3402
  Replies (3) Good night (1303) Bad night (421)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels

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  (412): Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels http://tfl.nu/7a7h
  Replies (1) Good night (1013) Bad night (369)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.

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  (504): You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men. http://tfl.nu/6nuf
  Replies (8) Good night (1376) Bad night (291)

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