I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?