Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
