I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
