The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My life is pants optional.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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