My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
