How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
