So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
