Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
