you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
