So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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