So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
