I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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