PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
