my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
only you would photoshop your dick
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
