it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Randomize
