i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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