insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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