They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
