I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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