So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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