Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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