do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
