After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize