I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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