It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
