Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
