I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We left the knife in your bed.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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