one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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