I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
