im six kinds of drunk right now
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
