i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
