Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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