There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
