You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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