Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again