I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
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I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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