ya dads aren't the best wingmen
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
a search helicopter?!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
