Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
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I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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