Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
