I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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