im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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